Tragic/Beautiful

He says he broke up with mainly because he didn’t have time to commit to me right now, and my crappy attitude as a secondary reason. Isn’t it funny how someone with no time at all can find the time to go sleep with other girls three days later? Way to make a girl feel so disposable. But better to know this now then later I guess, right?  :-/

Thursday night I called M. up and asked him to ocme over and hang out with me. I was upset and not a happy camper at all, and since he works nights, was off work, and had nothing else to do, and because he’s a good friend, he came over and curled up with me for the rest of the night. Friday evening we headed back into town and got something to eat at a Thai place a few blocks away from his house, (we walked there) and then later he, I and D. went out to a nearby bar for drinks. Another friend of mine was there too, though he had to leave early since he had work the next day. Six drinks later I was feeling a little tipsy, but not terribly so, and figured if I drank anymore I’d be sick the next day so I gave it up. I stayed over at M.’s that night with more cuddling. Makes me a much happier girl.

Saturday night M. had people over for his birthday (which isn’t actually until like Tuesday or something) and while I didn’t actually know any of his friends he invited except one, everybody was really nice and fun and I had a good time. I also had a lot of beer to drink, and the beer did what all the red headed sluts from the night before failed to do- got me drunk. I tried to play a few games of pool and to say I did horribly is an understatement- I don’t think I have ever played so badly in my entire life!

Eventually everyone left except me and two other girls, and we went inside to put on a movie. Watching it in my drunken state, I am positive now that the movie Pecker is only 15 minutes long. At least it certainly seemed that way to me. The two girls left after that and me and M. went to bed. What followed was something I know he’s always wanted since he met me, and that was 8 years ago. Unfortunately my memory of the events is rather spotty- I know what happened, as individual facts, but I actually remember next to none of it. I was  still upset underneath my drunken happiness, and lonely, and hurt, and wanted to feel wanted, which he did for me. But I feel a little bad about it because he’s the type to get himself attached to soemthing, much easier and quicker then me. I don’t want to be the cause of screwing up a perfectly good friendship. I’ve go my fingers and toes crossed that nothing bad will come of this.

On the 17th, I’ll be out of town (and out of state) up until the 21st visiting Wifey and Jewels. I’m looking forward to that a lot.

This whole last week or so has been horrible. I’ve been getting more and more depressed, and the last few days, I’ve either been asleep or I’ve been crying, or I’ve been picking fights with people. Mainly with MD. The last few weeks he’s expressed that he would rather see me with somoene else then with someone who can’t spend enough time with me, himself. Yesterday, on Father’s Day, we got into it again, and by that night I found myself a single girl again.

More with the crying.

He says he’d want to try again when he actually has time to spend on someone else, and I’d like to too, but I don’t feel its likely to happen. By the time he’s been working there long enough to have much of a say in his scheduling, he’ll be able to put in for a transfer, and back to San Diego he’ll go and that’ll be that.

Maybe I could have convinced him everything would have been okay but the last week all I could do was start fights with him, and I know he didn’t want to fight with me. Add in that I am probably not going to get to go to the masquerade this year (and I have over $350.00 invested in this already) and my insurance check that was mailed last Tuesday still hasn’t come in and the guy with the car really wants his money and this is probably the worst week I can remember having in a very long time.

I don’t know what to do anymore.

This morning the hauler came out to pick up the Spitfire. After my emails with the guy who is buying it, I was honestly expecting the hauler to show up with a money order and I’d have to turn him away without the car. The man I communicated with had very bad English, and made several references to a bank wire. Both are common red flags that you’ll see with scammers. He never did offer to pay more thne the listed price though, and ask to have it refunded back to him. Still, I was suspicious. But it was all for naught. The hauler showed up perfectly on time, and he had $500.00 cash in an envelope. Fifteen minutes later he had the car, engine, new top, cover, and owner’s manual all loaded up. I gave him directions for getting to the 5 freeway a little quicker then the way he came, and off he went.

Of course all day today I have been waiting for the attorney to call me and say the insurance check came in. And she did call, at about 4:30. But all that had come in so far was the check for loss of use ($600.00), and the check to cover the towing and storage fees ($267.00)  accrued over that first 24 hours before we got the car home again. This is a good thing, but its not the check I am waiting for, you know? I want the big one so I can go get my car and be mobile again. I told her to just hold onto the checks for me until the big one comes in and I will come get them all at once.

I also tried to fuse the fusable interfacing I have to the bodice fabric for my dress. After 2 hours, on varying heats and pressures, none of it would fuse. Hopefully it is sturdy enough that I can sew it in instead because that’s what I will have to do. Of course when I sat down to start basting it to the fabric pieces, I discovered that I don’t have any dark pink/magenta/raspberry colored thread anywhere to be found, so that’s on hold until I get into town again and can buy some matching thread. Luckily that’ll be tomorrow as MD and I are going to do something. I’m hoping that once I get the thread and can begin sewing, I will have the bodice finished by Wednesday. It looks like its a pretty simple construction, and I should be able to whiz right through it. I hope that’s how it goes anyway… lol.

Yesterday I had an eye appointment at LensCrafters to see about new contact lenses. I learned something interesting while I was there. Apparently (and I forget the ratio they use but it makes it so no matter what the thickness of the lens is, the numbers will always be the same) there is a number value assigned to each type of lens based on how much oxygen can get through the lens. My colored ones I had two years ago had a value of between 9 and 16. The new clear lenses they ordered me a trial pair of have a value of 109. Big, big difference. The doctor also told me that when the eye doesn;t get enough oxygen, it developes more blood vessels, which is apparently bad for the health of your eye, even though its bringing more oxygen to the eye right then. Once there’s nothing restricting the flow of oxygen to the eye, those new extra blood vessels shut down and are not used any longer. Those two things pretty much made up my mind that I will be getting the clear lenses and not the colored ones.

By last night I felt even worse then I had been the other day, and today I woke up even worse then that. I don’t feel anything at all, the thought of eating or drinking anything made me retch, and I just want to crawl under a rock and die. The more I think about it, the more sure I am that this last weekend was a manic episode, and this is the crash that follows. Not an oxytocin reaction like Quilty suggested. The guy is coming tomorrow morning to buy my Spitfire, and my attorney secured $600.00 for me for the month + I was without any sort of transportation, and I will have a new pair of contacts coming in in about two weeks. All these things should make me happy, but I just can’t seem to manage it. Even my chiropractor noticed I am not my usual self and she’s only seen me maybe 8 times. *sigh*

The check from the insurance company for my car mailed out on Tuesday, so I was really hoping it would be in today’s mail, but it wasn’t. So now we wait and see if it comes in tomorrow’s mail, and if it does, how quickly I can run to the bank and cash it out. I really want to go get my car already. If it does come tomorrow, hopefully Mom will feel up to driving down there with me to go get it after work. Maybe that’ll happen and I will feel better then. I hope so. I hate feeling like this.

Yesterday I (finally) freaked out over things with MD. Everything is fine, but in my head, I kept thinking that he doesn’t really want me, he’s just putting me off, et cetera. And I know this is B.S. because I know he adores me, and he’d see me all the time if he could, but his job doesn’t let that happen, especially now that the store is in the middle of inventory and they have him working doubles. So while I was freaking out, I told him I was, and I told him what I was thinking and I feel like I more or less guilted him into driving out to see me for an hour and forty-five minutes even though his car was acting up, just to put my mind at ease. *sigh* I think I’m going to the Special Hell for that one. You know, with the child molesters and people who talk in the theatre.

Tomorrow I have an appointment to have an eye exam so I can see about getting new contacts. I am thinking about getting the purple ones this time, but not sure. I’ve never been a fan of purple, but then I thought I’d hate the blue ones too and I loved them. Either way, I’m hoping to have a pair by the time the masquerade rolls around as wearing glasses under a mask is awkward and odd-looking, but if I have to, I have to.